Reconsideration

I've been only marginally happy for a long time now. I chalked it up to stress and work, but that wasn't the true cause. I started thinking about what was dragging me down, and I realized I have a big issue to contend with.

When I entered college, I wanted to be a wildlife biologist and work out in the field working with animals. I really had no idea what that actually entailed. I also had no idea that Environmental Science wasn't the same thing. I sat in on an environmental science class before registration, and realized it was not for me at all. I read through course descriptions and talked with friends and decided I wanted to try Brain and Cognitive Science (BCS). I had done a project on music and the brain in my senior year of high school, and it was the most excited I was about anything in that school. My first semester when quite well, but it wasn't great. I had some big conversations with Shea, and I decided that BCS didn't go as in depth into the workings of the brain as I'd have liked, so I switched to Neuroscience. The following two semesters were a struggle. I decided  that I was going to go on to Graduate school and get a Ph.d so I could head my own music and brain research projects. Last semester, I had my best GPA so far, and enjoyed most of my classes. When summer started, I realized I still wasn't happy, and didn't understand why. A few days ago I realized something. I was positively dreading grad school. I didn't want to write papers and do statistics and deal with politics and still feel like I was just waiting for my life to start. I wanted to have a hands-on job. Nothing I had read about the life of a graduate student was appealing to me in the slightest. Shea and I had another talk. I realized that I had mentally set my path in stone. I really felt (and still do to a certain extent) that I had already committed to my decision. The worse part was that this notion had sucked all the excitement for my major away. I felt like I had no passion, and nothing would make me happy. With Shea's help I am starting to see that I can get this degree and not have a plan at all for what I'm going to do with it. Certain ideas interest me, but I don't know yet if they are what I'll end up doing. The idea of teaching high school science appeals to me more than doing my own research. I have a lot of interests and passions. I love clothes and decorating our home. I love cooking meals and playing with our kittens, painting, drawing, music, and singing. And I really do love science. I'm just not sure how to go about incorporating that into my life.

My plan for now is to forget about grad school. If I someday decide that it's what I want, I can go. I'm going to finish up my degree, living my life more fully than I have been before. I'm not going to put it off anymore, with the excuse that I'm still in college and can't really start life yet. All of my other values get to be a part of it again, not just science. Once I graduate, I can decide what to try next, but until then, I'm going to (gasp) work without a future plan set out.

I feel a little uneasy without that plan, but a whole lot happier.