Warrior Dash

This is what I did July 25th. I was persuaded to try it by my cousins and Shea, and I was surprised to enjoy it as much as I did. In the beginning I was less than thrilled to learn that the little preparation I had done was not much use as the whole course was covered in deep, slippery mud, but I got over it and had fun, and got to spend time with family. It was even worth the gigantic rash I was lucky enough to get from the mud.

The Proposal

Shea asked me a few weeks back when my next free day would be. We hadn't spent a lot of time together due to my classes and his work load. I told him I could spare one day before finals started to do something fun, as long as it started after my voice lesson in the morning.

When I got back to the apartment that day, Shea wasn't there, and there were two envelopes taped to the door. They were the beginnings of a scavenger hunt.

He led me on a trail of envelopes that were hidden in places that were significant to our relationship. Each envelope held a picture of the next location, and a little paragraph he had written about what the current place meant to him. I was instructed to add my sentiments below. The first 10 envelopes led me all around campus, and then to a cafe in our favorite Borders, where I had to talk to the cashier. She gave me the next envelope which led to our apartment. The envelope there took me to Letchworth state park!

When I arrived at the location marked on the map Shea had left me, he was waiting with a picnic laid out for us. I had my suspicious about the reason for all this, but Shea did an excellent job of throwing me off the trail. There was a gift bag on the table, and he told me to open it. Remember how I've been saving up to buy a DSLR? Well... I don't need to save anymore! Shea bought me a Canon EOS 50D! That was what he had used to take all the pictures in the scavenger hunt. To me, that justified the whole extravaganza, and I wasn't expecting anything else. Shea sat with me as we munched on the picnic and showed me all the photos he had taken. Then he got to the last photo...

I said yes.

Internet Trust Fall

I am a pessimist. I usually expect the worst of any given situation. That's what I prepare for. It's usually a subconscious thing, some sort of defense mechanism I think. It goes for my expectations of people too, unfortunately. I always expect that I'll be disappointed. Examples:

Shea and I getting Sage and Ginger fixed- Expectation: They will have some complications with the anesthesia and never wake up.

The washing machine and dryer stop working around midnight, leaving all our clothes wet. First thought: Someone sabotaged the machines because they were angry we were doing laundry so late.

I'm having a dinner party. Expectation: I will burn all the food, people will come late or not at all, it will be horrible.


I really, really dislike that aspect of my personality. Fortunately, more and more these are just fleeting first thoughts that I'm quickly able to squash. However, I still don't go into any situation getting my hopes up. I'm at the point where I try to stay rather neutral without any solid expectations. I have ideal outcomes, but I don't expect that they will happen.

I'm frequently disappointed by people. That often pushes me to have this unhealthy negative feeling towards people in general. Now, I *know* that there are a lot of good people out there, and a lot of people who maybe have disappointed me probably had good intentions. So how do I change the feeling? This year I decided to try a little thing I'm thinking of as an Internet Trust Fall.

 I joined Reddit a few months ago and in November I saw a post about a Reddit Secret Santa gift exchange. Premise: You give your address to a stranger, as do about 17,000 other Redditors. He matches you all up to other strangers. You send a gift to your person, someone sends one to you. My first thought: I won't get anything. Why would some random stranger follow through on sending me something? Second thought: I'll get paperclips or something poisonous. Final thought: What the hell. I'll give it a go.

I signed up. I sent my person their favorite snack, glow sticks, hot cocoa, a charcoal drawing I did of the Reddit Alien, and a pair of Spiderman headphones (They named their dogs Parker and MJ).
My santa contacted me anonymously to tell me he'd be shipping late. Meanwhile, I was looking at the gallery where everyone posts what they receive. There were crazy expensive gifts, like a 50 inch TV, an Apple gift card for $1337, and even live lobsters. However, there were also really mean gifts like a single stick of gum, a plastic bag, a used pair of nail clippers, and this monstrosity.  I was worried I would end up like that. But no. I got an awesome gift.
I was floored. I was jumping up and down. I could not believe some stranger in Iowa would buy me something this awesome based off of a few Reddit posts and this blog. Look:

In case you can't make out everything, they sent me a studio lamp, oil paints, mini canvases, a brush, a mug that says "rest a minute," chocolates, two pounds of Starbucks coffee, a joke letter, a real letter, and a Christmas card addressed to Shea and I. This was more than I ever expected or hoped for. Insane. A stranger on the internet sent me this!

And it wasn't a common thing for people to be disappointed with their gifts. Check out the rest of the gallery! 

In this little online experiment, I also signed up for a much smaller Secret Santa organized by the writer of the blog lillyella. She matched everyone herself and sent out emails with the addresses. I had even lower expectations for this exchange, since it was so private and not as organized as the Reddit exchange. I sent my giftee handmade washcloths and three bars of holiday soap from Etsy (most of the blog is Etsy oriented). She blogged about it here. Reading that post really made my day. I still was skeptical that a second random stranger would send me something. But I was again, pleasantly surprised. I received a package in the mail today, and inside was a wrapped gift. Inside that:

This adorable little pouch was actually handmade by my Secret Santa, Stephanie of s-renee.com, a graphic designer and seamstress, as were the cute buttons. I adore handmade accessories! This totally made my day.

This experiment, coupled with some other happy experiences this December, has really changed my initial feelings and expectations about people. I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy with this cheery most-people-are-really-pretty-neat-afterall outlook. Lots of people do nice things for other people! It's not just a select few or rare individuals who are nice, reliable, and thoughtful. I like people. My Secret Santas didn't sign up just to get a gift and give me the shaft. I spent money and time doing something nice for a stranger, learning about their life and interests, and another stranger did the same for me. That gives me hope for people, and gives me hope that I'll one day have lots of the kind of non-disappointing relationships I treasure.

Summer Visitor and People Issues

Yesterday morning concluded one of the best weeks Shea and I had this summer: Rory came to visit!
I got someone to make coffee for, an incentive to cook regular,  delicious meals, endless entertainment, social interaction with someone other than Shea, and an awesome time with a cool person.

I'm actually a little shocked that I never felt like I needed to be alone or hide in the corner as I usually do when someone visits for a while. Rory was an awesome guest. And I'm not sure whether I'm weirder now, or normal by comparison.

Now I'm sad because we have no one else around in Rochester that we regularly hang out with. It's been a little bit of a lonely summer because of this. There are so many interesting, intelligent and rational people out there, but they seem rather hard to come by in Rochester.

There are people I *want* to be friends with, despite their flaws, but I feel like I'm doing all the work in maintaining and developing those friendships, and lately I've just about given up.  I've accepted that these people aren't ideal, but they could be. They could be if they returned my emails, followed through when they said they would hang out, or tried to initiate a get together on their own.

I have a lot of issues when it comes to dealing with people. I'm an introvert. I'm shy. I have high standards. I have little patience. I give up very easily when I don't get anywhere with a friendship, because to develop something like that is very draining for me, and it just feels so much easier to forget about it when the efforts are not reciprocated. I usually have to put myself out of my comfort zone to engage with people in the first place, because these people aren't interested in the same kind of outings I am. They like loud music, dancing, and drinking. I would prefer to go to a quiet little coffee shop somewhere and have intelligent conversation. Or to cook them all a fancy dinner at my apartment that doesn't involve people wrestling on my floor (that happened at a dinner I went to at someone else's house). I feel like I can't be me if I want to have friends here, and that's an unacceptable sacrifice. I think I'm a pretty cool person! Other people don't see that, which is partially my fault for holding so much back,  but partially because I am not the average college student, and most of the people I know are very average college students. I think I enjoyed the "college experience" the first week I was in a dorm. Now I am very happy living with my boyfriend in our cozy apartment, working full time to support ourselves.

Another problem I'm having is with social interaction itself. I feel so out of my element when I talk to people! I usually have no idea what to say. My typical thoughts when having a conversation:

Person: "Hi!"
Me: Uh oh... "Hi! How are you?"
Person: "I'm good, you?"
Me: "I'm doing fine."... oh god, the conversation is going to awkwardly dwindle now, isn't it?  Should I ask another question? What should I ask about? What would a real person talk about? I'll pretend I'm at ease here..."So, er, how is your summer going?"
Person: "It's good! How is yours?"
Me: No fair. That was my question. You should have come up with your own. Now I have to think of something else to say..."It's good. Uh, what have you been up to?"
Person: "I'm working and taking classes."
Me: Please please please help me here! I don't know what to ask you! I don't know how to maintain this conversation! "Where are you working?"
Person: "I'm working at the pediatrics center."
Me: Oh please don't stop talking... I would feel much better just listening! "And... how, how is that?"
Person: "Good."
Me: ...This is not much to work with. What should I ask you now? Should I ask you what you ate for lunch? If you like cats? How you pronounce "route"? If you like pie? If you have ever been skydiving? All these questions are completely inappropriate but they are all I can think of. "... Do... you...er, what do you do at your work?"
Person: "I file papers and other office tasks."
Me: This is boring. I'm not entertained by your job description. Should I be? Are normal people? Should I change the subject? What should I talk about? Should I talk about myself? You didn't ask about me... are you interested? If I did talk about myself, would you think I wasn't interested in what you had to say? Maybe I should try to find common ground and identify with you. "I do similar things where I work."
Person: "Oh."
Me: Noo.... not the "oh"! I have nothing else. Should I tell you I have ice cream sandwiches in my freezer and you are welcome to come and eat one sometime? Would that be awkward? Of course that would be awkward. Here I am barely holding on to this conversation about nothing and I'm going to randomly blurt out that this person is welcome to eat my ice cream. Have we reached the ice cream sharing stage in our relationship? What if they are lactose intolerant? Will they be offended? What if they've told me they were lactose intolerant before? I should pay better attention to people! "Well, I should get going..."
Person: "Okay. Talk to you later!"
Me: "Bye!" AHHH I suck at human interaction. that was just the most boring conversation I've ever had. They probably think I hate them. They probably think I'm boring. I'm going to go find a little hole and curl up in it now...


This doesn't happen just with in person conversations. I find myself over-interpreting emails, tweets, and chats online all the time.
Some examples:

*Someone comments about one of my tweets* 
Oh! Wow! Someone was interested in something I said! I'm flattered! ...Now what? Should I reply? What do I say? I can't think of anything to say back to that... But if I don't reply, will they think I'm ignoring them? 

*Someone responds to the email I sent to my a cappella group regarding the possibility of doing an upcoming gig. Their email begins: "Seeing as this is sort of my purview, I would like to add my two cents..."*
Your purview? I know you are the business manager, but you haven't been doing much this summer in this domain, and it's been my job to do this for the past year, and you never replied to my first email when I asked you what you thought about it! Are you saying I am stepping on your toes? Doing your job for you? Do you not know what "purview" means?  Maybe you are just saying you are good at knowing about gigs. Maybe that was a completely innocent comment. Were you trying to be aggressive? Should I send you a passive aggressive email back that details all the reasons you are wrong? Maybe I should just ignore this. I'm going to pretend that I never read that. Why am I getting so worked up over your use of the word purview? 

*I send a co-worker the logos my boss told me to send her. I got them from the company websites, like my boss asked me to. She responds: "Thanks. . .is there any chance we could get higher res  versions?"*
Oh, oops! I'm a little embarrassed now... wait... is she being rude? Was that a sarcastic "Thanks"? She put dots after it, like maybe she is actually pissed that I sent her low res versions... Maybe she thinks I'm incompetent. I feel like crap now. I guess I should have known. Wait... maybe she is actually being nice! Maybe she was legitimately thanking me for the effort, and simply requesting something better... We'll go with that option. But I just cant ignore those three dots... She even put spaces between them.

This is how my brain works.  This is why it's so exhausting for me to carry on a conversation. I feel like I miss cues, subtle sarcasm, and I can't always tell if someone is sincere or not. And I have no idea what to do about it! My plan is to just keep trying, and maybe someday I'll figure out how to have a meaningful conversation without feeling strained or like I can't be myself.

Henna

Last weekend was my first festival of the year! I have been doing henna body art at festivals for about 6 years now. It is very profitable and was a nice break from my day job. I missed Shea, who was at the AOS MiniCon, but I didn't really have a whole lot of time to think about that.

I started doing henna when I was 14 after getting some at a girl scouting event. My dad bought me a kit, and I played around with it and decided I really liked it. I bought more and did henna for my family at a reunion. Then my parents sugguested I set up a booth at a small local festival. I ended up making a ton of money, so I got a DBA and a tax ID at the age of 15, and have been doing henna ever since at several festivals a summer.

My first booth was outfitted with a small paper sign and some designs glued to a wooden board. I had camp chairs and a table. I have redecorated considerably since that first summer:

The chairs are actually storage crates with wooden reinforcements and cushions attached (made by my grandmother).

Here is my booth at the Batavia Picnic in the Park from last weekend:

I have a new tent this year. My other one was five years old and pretty mangled. 

This festival listed their hours as noon to five. I was working straight from 11:30-5:30! I wish I'd had time to take more pictures, because I'm really proud of the work I did. Here is a small sample mostly taken to show the customers what their henna looked like if it was in a hard-to-see place, with a few practice designs I did on myself.

One of my photographer friends stopped by and took a photo too: http://www.flickr.com/photos/48741272@N03/4762135955/

I have some more photos from previous years on my website: www.phoenixhenna.com

It's back-breaking, thumb-numbing work, but I enjoy it and I make about the same in 5 hours that I get for a week at my other job. 

Kittens

I usually save kitten pictures for sageandginger.blogspot.com, but today I wanted to add a little post here. They are getting so huge. I forgot how fast kittens grow. 

Reconsideration

I've been only marginally happy for a long time now. I chalked it up to stress and work, but that wasn't the true cause. I started thinking about what was dragging me down, and I realized I have a big issue to contend with.

When I entered college, I wanted to be a wildlife biologist and work out in the field working with animals. I really had no idea what that actually entailed. I also had no idea that Environmental Science wasn't the same thing. I sat in on an environmental science class before registration, and realized it was not for me at all. I read through course descriptions and talked with friends and decided I wanted to try Brain and Cognitive Science (BCS). I had done a project on music and the brain in my senior year of high school, and it was the most excited I was about anything in that school. My first semester when quite well, but it wasn't great. I had some big conversations with Shea, and I decided that BCS didn't go as in depth into the workings of the brain as I'd have liked, so I switched to Neuroscience. The following two semesters were a struggle. I decided  that I was going to go on to Graduate school and get a Ph.d so I could head my own music and brain research projects. Last semester, I had my best GPA so far, and enjoyed most of my classes. When summer started, I realized I still wasn't happy, and didn't understand why. A few days ago I realized something. I was positively dreading grad school. I didn't want to write papers and do statistics and deal with politics and still feel like I was just waiting for my life to start. I wanted to have a hands-on job. Nothing I had read about the life of a graduate student was appealing to me in the slightest. Shea and I had another talk. I realized that I had mentally set my path in stone. I really felt (and still do to a certain extent) that I had already committed to my decision. The worse part was that this notion had sucked all the excitement for my major away. I felt like I had no passion, and nothing would make me happy. With Shea's help I am starting to see that I can get this degree and not have a plan at all for what I'm going to do with it. Certain ideas interest me, but I don't know yet if they are what I'll end up doing. The idea of teaching high school science appeals to me more than doing my own research. I have a lot of interests and passions. I love clothes and decorating our home. I love cooking meals and playing with our kittens, painting, drawing, music, and singing. And I really do love science. I'm just not sure how to go about incorporating that into my life.

My plan for now is to forget about grad school. If I someday decide that it's what I want, I can go. I'm going to finish up my degree, living my life more fully than I have been before. I'm not going to put it off anymore, with the excuse that I'm still in college and can't really start life yet. All of my other values get to be a part of it again, not just science. Once I graduate, I can decide what to try next, but until then, I'm going to (gasp) work without a future plan set out.

I feel a little uneasy without that plan, but a whole lot happier.

Etsy Treasury

This is what I would buy on Etsy if I could afford it all.

It's here: http://www.etsy.com/treasury/4c11126419246d910cfa91cd/sanguinity

Jetblue Resolution

Less than a a week ago, Shea and I mentioned via Twitter that we had been having some pretty big issues with our travel plans and the customer service we weren't receiving. I want to say that since that experience, I contacted Jetblue via email with the full details of the treatment we received and they have redeemed themselves. I will detail the entire situation here.


Shea and I were scheduled to fly to Texas through JFK, stay with his family for a few days, fly back to JFK and stay in the city for a few more days, and then fly back to Rochester. 


The morning of our first flight, we received a phone call from Shea's dad, who said our flight to JFK had ben cancelled. We were never notified by Jetblue. However, we were able to get an earlier flight to JFK and join his parents on their flight to Texas. We had a trouble free trip until the morning of our flight home. 


Around 9am on Thursday June 3rd, we received an automated phone call from Jetblue, telling us our flight had been cancelled. Again.  Shea then called customer service to try to figure out why the flight was cancelled, and how we could get home. After being on hold for 20 minutes, a representative told us that it wasn't Jetblue that cancelled the flight, but Air Traffic Control. They would not do anything to help us, and could not get us on any other flights home that night, so Shea asked to talk to a supervisor. He explained our issues, and was told multiple time that they were not responsible for the weather. Shea asked how the decision was made, and the supervsior refused to explain becuase it was too complex. She then stated that Jetblue operations made the decision, not Air Traffic Control, to which  Shea replied "Then someone is lying to me." She answered "If you threaten me, I'll disconnect." She continued to be nasty and condescending, and refused to help us at all even though due to cancellations our trip had been screwed up twice. She disconnected after some more condescending comments saying, "I don't feel like arguing with you." 


Shea called customer service again and asked to speak directly to a different supervisor. This supervisor was wonderful, and apologetic after we explained our issues. She issued us vouchers because of the frustration we had to deal with. She told us that part of the reason for the cancellation was that the fight was not full. Still, she said there was really nothing else she could do to help get us home that night, so she issued us a refund. 


We then had to book a new flight through Delta, which was more money than our original tickets. 


The story does not end here. 


We got to the airport around 7pm and realized that because of a booking error on Side Step, we had actually bought tickets for a flight on June 17, not June 3. We got a refund of that ticket, and went to try to get on that night's flight, but the only seats were $700 a piece. We declined. 


In a bit of a panic, we searched Side Step again for flights into Rochester that night. We couldn't find anything. Then we checked the "Search nearby airports" button. Then there it was, a flight from JFK to Buffalo (about an hour from Rochester)! Why hadn't ANY of the service representatives we'd talked to mentioned this? Tickets were over $100 more than our original tickets to Rochester, but we needed to get home, and our vouchers would cover half of the out-of-pocket expense. We went online at the airport so we could book and use our vouchers, but their website would not let us even search for the flight to book, because it claimed June 3rd was before June 3rd. We knew the flight existed, so we ran into the ticketing line, not having time to call customer service and be put on hold again. When we got to the desk, the agent got our seats, but then informed us that he couldn't use our vouchers either. 


Extremely frustrated, we got through security and to the gate, where I called customer service. The first person I spoke with told me she was sorry that had happened, and she would get a supervisor to run the vouchers for us. I was put on hold again. The supervisor answered, and told me that it was too close to the flight for her to use the vouchers. I explained our entire situation to her, and she said there was absolutely nothing she could do. I asked for a monetary refund to help cover all the extra costs, and she refused saying we were responsible for them since we accepted a refund on the first flight and rebooked. She said we could use the vouchers on a future flight. I asked her why I would ever want to fly with Jetblue again after how we had been treated. I was crying over the phone at the unfairness of the situation and how much money their mistakes had cost us, but she remained unapologetic and repeated the same thing about it being our problem over and over again. I gave the phone to Shea. He tried to get answers, and she eventually hung up on him. 


That's the situation. Here is the solution. 


I sent Jetblue and email, detailing all of this. Here is the final paragraph:


"It is not our fault that YOUR website malfunctioned. It is not our fault that YOUR service agents omitted the existence of the Buffalo flight. It is not our fault that YOU canceled the original flight, and lied to us about the reason. It is not our fault that YOUR airport representatives could not use our vouchers. Yet YOUR mistakes
have cost us over $200 that we can barely afford. The last supervisor informed me that the vouchers would still be good for a future flight. Why would I EVER want to subject myself to this horrible experience again? I can't trust JetBlue to get me home or to treat me fairly and respectfully. I happen to live in Rochester, and if flights are canceled this frequently to and from Rochester, what I am to do when we book MONTHS in advance to get a lower price, and then because of the incompetency of your employees have to pay hundreds more!
What I think should have been done:
Jetblue should have immediately booked us on the Buffalo flight without charging us extra during our
very first call.
Jetblue should have been honest with us regarding the reason for the cancellation.
Jetblue should have been able to use our vouchers, or compensate us for them. I would have been happier if you had taken back the vouchers and given us their value in a refund credit to help pay for the new flight. What I think would be the most fair, given all these mistakes, would be to credit us to the credit card used the difference in value between the refund we received and the tickets we were forced to buy. If you had rebooked us on this flight, we would have paid the exact same price for those tickets. Because you made an error, we had to pay you 200 more for the tickets. For all I care you can take back the vouchers to do this. It would be no extra cost to you to do what you should have done in the first place, and would start to repair the damage you have done. I
used to think customer service mattered to Jetblue. Now I am feeling taken advantage of.  I truly hope if you value your customers you will do something to make amends here."


Today at work I received a phone call from a very very apologetic Jetblue employee. She felt very bad when I told her I couldn't talk because I was at work, and asked if she could call back tonight. She said she wanted to apologize and take care of some stuff. 


She called around 8. I was not expecting what came next. She offered her most sincere apologies, and stated that she was appalled at what had happened to us. She was genuinely angry and disappointed at the lack of service we had received. They had actually listened to the recorded conversation between Shea and the first supervisor, and were appalled by her behavior. They are conducting a review with her and meeting with her supervisors, on top of an internal review regarding the entire issue. She immediately offered me a huge compensation. I won't state here exactly how we were compensated, but I will say that it more than covered our out of pocket expense, plus more vouchers to thank us for our patience and understanding. Yes, Jetblue screwed up, but the phone call and sincere apology was the most personal and best customer service I have ever received. She then sent a follow-up email, and told me to respond to it if I EVER have any issues with Jetblue again. She really worked to right what had been done wrong. I only wish that all Jetblue's representatives were so helpful. I will definitely be flying JetBlue again. 

Where I Grew Up

It's nothing special, but it was home for 20 years. It feels weird to call it "My Parents' House." Shea and I visited for an impromptu cookout.

My window used to be the top right.

The shed my dad built

My dad's method of hot dog roasting involves a chainsaw.

Real Living

After two hellish years of living in dorms, Shea and I are finally free. Our housing contract is up, the lease for the new apartment is signed, and all of our belongings are moved in (but not quite unpacked). We have full time jobs this summer, two sweet little kittens, and time to pursue projects that we couldn't work on during the school year.
Now I'm trying to figure out where my life is going. My fear is that although it feels like life has started, once next semester rolls around I'll feel like I'm back where I started. Yes, I have a real home to live in, but that wasn't the only issue I've struggled with in college. Classes and the amount of studying I have to do for them have been very time consuming in the past. I'm taking Physics, Cell Biology, Linguistics, and Statistics next semester, and I think it's going to be challenging, as I'll also be balancing an executive role in my a cappella group, and 12 hour work weeks.  I sometimes wonder if it is possible to be happy in college. It seems like it's designed to consume your life, and allow no room for what I consider "real living." I very much hope that I'm wrong. What I mean when I say "real living" is the ability to balance the amount of time I spend achieving my different values. Studying neuroscience, and obtaining my B.S. are two very big values. However, so are homecooked meals, eating healthy, singing, sleeping, painting, shopping, kittens, relaxing, and my relationship with Shea. Last semester, whenever I was doing something unrelated to academics, I felt guilty and couldn't enjoy it fully. In this case, getting my degree is one of my highest values, so I think it would be wrong to sacrifice my progress towards it to lesser values like shopping or playing video games. If this is what I think, then why do I feel so unhappy during the school year? Shouldn't I enjoy all the work, knowing how it will pay off? It's obviously not everything that I want to do. I don't really care for physics or linguistics, but I need to fulfill those requirements to get my degree so I can go on to grad school and get a PhD so I can do the kind of research I want to do. Does that mean I should enjoy those classes, or does that mean I should happily suffer through them? I know college is a lot of hard work, but I'm not sure how to know if I'm going about it the right way. Should I be miserable, or does that mean I'm doing something wrong? I've questioned my decision to be a neuroscientist many times. I could drop out and be a musician or an artist, but I truly believe I would be bored. I tell myself that I can do all those things as hobbies.
What I am wondering is if it is reasonable to expect a stable life while getting this degree. By that I mean to carry my job and a cappella group responsibilities, do well in my classes and learn what I need to learn, get a reasonable amount of sleep, and be able to cook regular *healthy* meals. A plus would be to have the option of doing something fun every other weekend or so.
My past experience tells me it could be possible. I have never pulled an all-nighter. Part of the reason for that is once I hit 2:00 am my brain shuts down and refuses to comprehend anything put in front of it. This means I've probably had a better sleep schedule than most of my peers. I have been able to cook some healthy meals before I had a real kitchen. They were by no means often, but now that Shea and I have the SVS, a reasonably sized kitchen, and a table to eat at I think it could be possible. Based on the end of this semester, I don't think studying will be that excruciating as long as I can do it at home. I have a designated office space now, and a comfy couch to read on. There is space to spread out and breathe, and two little kittens to snuggle if I get frustrated. I wasn't completely miserable during finals week, and this ended up being my best semester by far. I think the biggest question is whether or not I can expect to allow myself the luxury of watching tv, going shopping, or doing other fun, relaxing things (like painting) without jeopardizing my progress on my degree. Will I ever not feel guilty for doing something other than school work? Is it my fault if I am miserable, or is it just something that comes with the territory? I think I'll be happier overall because while my life will be extremely busy, it will have all the basic necessities that I've done without for two years, but I do hope that when I go back to school I don't end up feeling like I'm giving up "real living."

Dinner Party and Drawing

I made progress towards three of my new years resolutions

this weekend, and it really paid off.

Last night, I had a birthday dinner party for some of my friends with whom I'd like to become closer. I would consider it a great success. A few people didn't show who said they would, but I was very happy with the turnout. I cooked all day to put together the following menu:

Appetizers:

Chocolate-dipped Bananas

Chocolate-dipped Strawberries

Pineapple and Cream Cheese Dip

Fresh Strawberries

Entrees:

Slow-Roasted Marinated Beef Ribs

Parmesan-Crusted Baked Chicken

Sides:

Mozzarella-Baked Broccoli with Lemon Zest

Spinach Sautée

Dessert:

Caramelized Sautéed Bananas

Being able to cook this much food (which all turned out delicious) was very refreshing. I also really enjoyed the company of the guests. I am typically not a very social person. I get overwhelmed easily and would usually rather be by myself. This was a VERY small get together, as I live in a VERY small dorm/apartment, but the size was perfect for me. There were from 4-5 guests at any given time. They all enjoyed the food and we had some very nice conversations. I am very happy I decided to put this together, despite my initial fears, and the time it took up. I still need work on reaching out and not putting up walls, but I am really pleased with this start.

The other bit of progress I made was in the drawing department. I have been wanting to keep up a sketch book, but never got around to doing regular sketches last year. The other night I got inspired, picked up a pencil and drew. It isn't anything fancy, and my technique needs a lot of work, but thats the whole point. Drawn with mechanical pencil (I couldn't find my drawing pencils) by the light of my LCD alarm clock:

I didn't fully finish it before I fell asleep, but I'm pleased with how such a quick drawing turned out. I am really terrible at drawing faces/heads unless they are the focus of the piece, but I plan to improve that through drawings like these. This is by no means on of my better sketches, and I hope to be able to create more of the caliber of my best piece so far:

Success!

A year ago, I skied for the first time in Colorado after years of skiing the small little hills in Western NY. I was terrified. The green circles were about the same difficulty as the black diamonds of my native ski hill.

I would classify myself as an intermediate skier, and I knew my skill level well enough to know that I could handle the terrain, but it made no difference. I couldn't get over the fear of standing at the top of a hill and looking down. I was so afraid I would crash or lose control that those paranoias filled my mind and made it very hard to enjoy myself.

This year I was afraid the same thing would happen. I like skiing! Why couldn't I just relax and have a good time?

After getting over some pretty bad altitude sickness I went out on the slopes.

I guess a year of working on this fear issue paid off. I started out easy, and as soon as I felt at all nervous I made sure I recognized how in control I felt, how easy the slope actually was, and how much fun it was. To my surprise, the fear dissolved. I was able to ski the beginner hills with out much effort at all, until altitude sickness kicked in again.

Today I went out for the second time, and it was awesome! I was out for about five hours, and never found myself too scared to ski a hill. Occasionally I would feel a little jolt of fear as I reached a steep incline, but I would remind myself that I had successfully skied equally difficult hills before without a problem. The fear dissolved and I continued down the hill, able to enjoy the incredible view, the excellent conditions, and how fun skiing is when you aren't afraid.

I skied mostly blue squares, and would have even tried a black diamond except they were all covered in moguls, which I really have no interest in skiing through.

I'm so glad that the stress is gone and I can enjoy myself fully. Also, I have a valuable tool to put to use when I next attempt to drive stick.

Resolutions

I've really been meaning to update this blog a little more often than I have, so I think a great way to start off the new year is with a post. Hopefully more will follow.

This New Year's Eve was spend with Shea in Niagara Falls. We sat down and wrote out our resolutions in the hotel room a couple hours before midnight. Mine are as follows:

1. Consistently do the reading for class. I seriously neglected this last semester. I ended up very behind in my classes because I wouldn't do the reading until after the lecture (if at all), so class didn't make as much sense as it could have. I also ended up cramming a lot of reading in during finals week, and my grades suffered as a result.

2. Cook more, make full meals, and eat healthier. Something that really improved my quality of life last semester was the ability to cook my own food in my own kitchen, and not eat so much unhealthy campus food. I want to try new recipes and try to cook regular dinners, and hopefully lose the little weight I've gained from unhealthy eating habits.

3. Don't put off studying so long. I procrastinated a lot. I need to give myself more studying time in the future.

4. Write in Journal Regularly. I wrote several journal entries when I was struggling with emotional conflicts, and it really helped me sort them out. I want to make this a regular habit in the future. I'm also going to add more regular blog posts to this one, for the same reasons.

5. Get organized. I need to have a reliable system for storing papers and books so that when I need to study, I don't have to tear apart the apartment to find the materials.

6. Manage money better. I want to save more and spend less. I have a job, and this semester is paid for, so there really is no excuse for my money not to build.

7. Try to keep clean clothes more abundant. Doing laundry is a pain, but an even bigger pain is doing a lot of laundry at once.

8. Try to draw/paint/create art for fun and improvement regularly. Art is something I truly enjoy, and haven't made enough time for. I need that to change.

9. Practice Singing Regularly. I take voice lessons through the Eastman School of Music, and for me, getting an A is easy even without practice. However, it's an awesome opportunity, and I could learn SO much more if I practiced regularly.

10. Be better about cleaning up messes. I tend to pile my books/coats/bookbag on one chair when I get home, and leave coffee mugs on my desk, making a much bigger mess to clean up all at once.

11. Read non-required readings. I have a lot of books that I'm either half-way through or haven't even started that I want to read.

12. Reach out to more potential friends. There are many people at the U of R, and although many I've found are not people I'd choose to associate with, I shouldn't give up on the rest of them.

13. Get better about talking on the phone. I absolutely HATE calling doctors/customer service people/friends. I'd prefer to email or text.

14. Focus more on what I know, and less on the grades I receive. I am getting much better at this, but there is still much room for improvement. I am in college to gain knowledge about subjects that interest me and will help me pursue a career. A poor GPA might hinder my grad school search, but not caring about the material I've learned will harm my whole career.

15. Make a better effort to learn to drive stick. Shea and I have a Jeep Wrangler. I cannot drive it and I am completely terrified every time I attempt, but I know I will get comfortable with it if I stop avoiding practicing.

Well, that's it for this year's list. I hope you are having a great start to 2010!

Fear

I wrote this several weeks ago on the back of a napkin in Starbucks:

As school draws closer I'm starting to feel a gnawing feeling grow in my chest. I remember going to college last year thinking I would be a straight-A student just like in high school. That was not the case. I especially struggled the beginning of second semester, and at time gave up hope that I had the ability to be successful. Although I was able to turn my academics around for the most part, the fear of repeating that nightmare is still with me.

What I have to do now is figure out if this emotion is justified. I recognize that a number of factors contributed to my poor performance last year, and intelligence was not one of them. My living situation, family problems, difficulty motivating myself, procrastination, attention span, fear of asking questions, and a large jump in the difficulty of class material were the biggest factors.

All of these things are completely within my control to either change, or find a solution. I have been working on and improving missing skills the whole summer. Additionally, fear of failure is not useful. The knowledge of what can lead to failure is. I have learned so much about the kind of skills I need to have and improve to do well, and I know that I can't let fear stand in my way. I've noticed that controlling my fear is really just another issue I need to work on, not a reason to dread the upcoming school year.

If I were to let the fear of falling down once keep me from getting back up, that would be the worst kind of failure there is.